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Imminent Rise in Armchair Entrepreneurship
by Startacus Admin
With the tide of culinary and baking-related ambitiousness seen over the past few months now finally beginning to recede, scientists have turned their attention to what appears to be an imminent spike in the nation's level of entrepreneurial expertise.
Over the coming weeks it is predicted that the levels of confidence in one's own enterprise prowess will reach their highest ever figure as 18 ‘businessmen and women’ head to London in the hope of becoming Lord Sugar’s next business partner.
Yes, shirt starch and pointy shoe polish at the ready folks as the BBC’s ever-popular and ever-misnomered entrepreneurial extravaganza ‘The Apprentice’ is returning to our screens.
It’s been rather a long time since we’ve had the opportunity to shout business strategies at the teley; this series being delayed due to some football thing which happened last year.
Now we can all delight once more as one-by-one Lord Sugar takes a sledgehammer to some over inflated egos, and insufferable know-it-alls are sent packing (literally).
You’d think these people would have learned something by now… I mean, have they never watched the show? Is it not almost always the ones who are most outspoken about their God-like ‘business acumen’ who humiliatingly face the chop at the earliest opportunity?
If the ‘Meet the Candidates’ quotes released by the BBC are any indication, there’s going to be a lot of bruised and battered egos heading to the job centre in the coming weeks.
Here’s a selection of the “best” ones to get your exasperation going.
‘I’m an interesting mix between happy go lucky and adventurous and then quite logical and sensible. It’s a strange combination.’ Sam Curry, Private Tutor, 23
‘Lord Sugar might think I’m a bit gushing, he might find me over-zealous, but I think he’ll think I’m great.’ Ruth Whiteley, Owner of a Sales Training Consultancy, 48
'I hate anything mediocre – I can’t be middle. I hate being the person that comes second… I’ve never been the person that comes second. I’d rather be the one who fell over at the start of the race and never make it to the finish line.’ Elle Stevenson, Operations Executive, 21
‘People do say to me they’ve never met anyone like me.’ Scott Saunders, Account Manager, 27
’I’m a Swiss army knife of bouncy skills, business skills, enthusiasm, I’ve got everything highly tuned and highly chiselled.’ Richard Woods, Director, Digital Marketing Agency 31
‘Me and Lord Sugar will work together because you’ve got age and beauty and those two go hand in hand all the time. Sugar’s got the age and I certainly am beautiful.’ David, Owner of a Sports Marketing Company, 25.
'You will see my name in lights – Jenny Garbis, don’t forget that. That’s going to be a global name. That’s going to be an entrepreneur everyone looks up to.' Polly Granger, Business Management Student, 23
And of course the most ridiculous for last...
‘I am the definition of success, I’m a godfather of business and I’m here to make Lord Sugar a lot of money.’ Joseph Valente, Owner of a plumbing business, 25
Despite our general frustration with the whole thing, we are quite looking forward to getting answers to some of the questions these quotes have raised.
For example, what exactly are ‘bouncy skills?’, how might beauty be a desirable attribute in a business partner?, and how can a person be both happy-go-lucky and sensible?
Let’s face it, we are also looking forward to seeing them tumble like the ineptly placed little dominos they are.
But joking aside, we must admit that as entertaining as 'The Apprentice' is it also opens up a wealth of opportunity for ambitious, intelligent, and talented people hoping to make it big in the world of business...
...they are about to get a masterclass in how not to do things!